"Gentlemen, thank you for coming to the statehouse today to meet with the State Commission of Alternate Methods to Heist Everyone's Money or SCAM THEM, as we affectionately call it." (Laughter)
"You know our history. We were started as a study commission appointed by the state government as the Feasibility of Alternate Taxation Taskforce, otherwise known as FATT. Once we helped introduce legalized gambling into law we changed the name. You can see why." (More laughter)
"We're here today to announce the winner for our new ad campaign. Whether it's lotto's or the state sponsored Casinos. We need more revenue, and our current advertising doesn't seem to be working. Our goal is to double the state revenues from gambling over the next five years. I see a hand in the back. Yes?" (Pause)
"The question was, 'why don't we just add more casinos and additional forms of lottery?' Well, that is an excellent point and indeed we are working on that. You may remember last year's smashing success with the new McDonald's Corporation's 'Ronald's Floating Funhouse.' " (Applause)
"Thank you. Yes, that was a fine hour. The real difficulty was not the casino itself. There were more than enough out-of-work English majors from liberal arts colleges willing to put on clown makeup. Staffing wasn't a problem. The real trick was passing that under age gambling law. We finally got it passed when the teacher's union agreed to back the amendment provided we hire union teachers as onboard education consultants. By the way, that slogan, "Gambling-It Brings Families Together" was brilliant. Thank you Bull Inc. for that stroke of genius." (More applause)
"On the lotto front, we feel we've reached a certain saturation point. Convenience stores have begun to complain that there is no more room above or below the counter to pack in any more tickets. So, the emphasis has to be on creating more interest in the existing games."
"Today we're going to announce the winning advertising agency to head our new campaign. We appreciate all your efforts. May I have the envelopes?" (An aide brings a set of envelopes to the podium)
"Thank you. Honorable mention goes to the Double Talk Agency for their slogan, 'Lotto-Be a player. Be a patriot.' We liked it but felt it might be better for a national lotto. Hey, it could happen."
"Our second runner up goes to the Hyper Hype Group for their entry. 'Play the Lottery. You'll Win. Guaranteed!' Again, we saw potential here, and hiring the Cajun Chef to do the spots was a nice touch. In the end we just didn't think you properly understand the lotto. You see, we really can't guarantee anyone will win, not even if they played for ten thousand years."
"First runner up-goes to The Matrix Corporation with their slogan, 'If you don't win the lottery, your bum neighbor might.' The commission was almost evenly split on that one. In the end we felt it was too much like our old ad, 'If you don't win the lottery someone else might.' Keep trying. There's always next time."
"I can feel the tension in the room. Let's not delay. Our winner is...drum roll please...Pull the Wool Group with their entry, 'Don't pay the rent 'til you've played the lotto.' It's in-your-face, it's honest and it makes the average lottery player feel understood."
"Well, I think we've done enough damage for one day. Thanks for coming and to all of you losers-better luck next time."