She’s not only generous—she’s a wise woman, too. Mothers can help bond the generations together, or they can drive a wedge between them. This concept was expressed beautifully in a book Fathers and Sons by Lewis Yablonsky. The author observed that mothers are the primary interpreters of fathers’ personality, character and integrity to their sons. In other words, the way boys see their fathers is largely a product of the things their mothers have said and the way they feel about their husbands. In Yablonsky’s case, his mother destroyed the respect he might have had for his father. This is what he wrote:

I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers and father and mother and cringing at my mother’s attacks on my father. "Look at him," she would say in Yiddish, "his head and shoulders are bent down. He’s a failure. He doesn’t have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He’s a beaten man." He would keep his eyes pointed toward his plate and never answer her. She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard; instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image to his three sons of a man without fight; crushed by a world over which he had no control.

Though Yablonsky did not say so, it is also true that a father can do great damage to his wife’s relationship with their children. Very early on I found that when I was irritated with Shirley for some reason, my attitude was instantly picked up by our son and daughter. They seemed to feel, If Dad can argue with Mom, then we can too. It became clear to me just how important it was for me to express my love and admiration for Shirley.