Gay But Not Happy
 

by Larry L. Hampton

At the age of 19, I was introduced to homosexuality. There are several reasons I attribute to my involvement in this lifestyle, particularly the lack of affirmation and being rejected. Because I was naive to so many things, I found myself desirous of a relationship with a man. Not a sexual relationship, but a relationship like father-son or big brother-little brother. Although my father was alive, I was never fathered by him. I never spent quality time with him. We never talked about issues that concern being a young man. Although I had an older brother, we never had those talks.

When I was younger, my father said, “If I ever find out I have a gay son, I will take you to the lake and throw you in.” At first, when it came down to me telling him about it, I couldn’t. I didn’t tell my brother because my brother and I never really had a relationship where we talked about ourselves. We always talked about general things. So, I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about it. It wasn’t until I was 22 years old that I finally told my father and my brother of my involvement with homosexuality.

Amidst all of the partying, drinking, sex and other things I indulged in, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t’ find happiness in the clubs. I couldn’t find happiness in the alcohol. I couldn’t find happiness in the sex. I couldn’t find happiness in the relationships. I couldn’t find happiness in the people I hung around. I couldn’t find happiness, until I met Jesus.

I knew I was missing a relationship with Christ, because I had experienced it at an early age. I knew I needed to reestablish that relationship. In January 1992, I began to fellowship with Sweet Holy Spirit Church. Although I didn’t go every Sunday, I went often. I remember that first service like it was yesterday.

Bishop Larry Trotter preached a message, “You were made for greatness!” I remember a young man giving a testimony about how he had been shot and how he knew he needed to start coming back to church and surrender his life to Christ. He talked about how his grandmother prayed for him, and Bishop Trotter prayed for him. How they thought he wasn’t going to survive the gunshots. At the conclusion of his testimony, Bishop Trotter said, “This is a teenager, who realizes the need for Christ in his life. All of us are surviving off the prayers of someone else. If grandmother and mother wasn’t praying for us, we wouldn’t be here today.” God began speaking to me and without hesitation, I knew this was where I needed to be. I thought about it. I knew that if it wasn’t for God’s grace, I could be somewhere dead. I knew that if it weren’t for God’s grace, I could have lost my mind. So, I made a decision to come back to Christ. I was gay, but not happy.

THE TURNING POINT

It was in 1995 when God began to crush me and to break me. I noticed that God was changing my friends. I noticed that I was losing the desire to go out. I noticed that I was losing the desire to be in a relationship. I noticed that I was losing the desire to have sex, probably the most difficult of them all. I was still afraid to talk about it, although I did talk with Bishop Trotter about it. I thank God for my pastor because I was able to go to him in confidence and talk about what I was dealing with and where my struggles were. He didn’t condemn me, he didn’t talk about me. He prayed with me and begin to make deposits into my life. He began to build me up.

You have to be willing to take risks. You have to be willing to trust God and the God in your pastor. A lot of times, we don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable, especially men. We don’t want to make ourselves accountable. However, God is calling us to be real.

I said, “God, this is the year I want more of you. This is the year I want a change in my life. This is the year I want to be made whole.” As I began to cry out to God, my life was changing rapidly. I went through more rejection, particularly by my friends. They called me deep. They called me church boy. They called me a sell-out. All of that hurt, but I kept believing God. As my friends decreased, I was lonely. I was so used to hanging out with my friends and visiting, that I had never been by myself. I increased my activity and involvement in ministry, thinking I was going to find happiness. I still wasn’t happy.

I never found true happiness until I found God. When I developed a relationship with God through prayer and through studying the word of God and through fasting, even more change took place. I remember the day God told me I would be ministering to homosexuals. It was during one of our Sunday morning services. Bishop Trotter preached a message, “Moving From Vision To Victory!” Prior to him preaching, there was such a spirit of worship in the place, and God began to speak to me. He said, “I have called you to set captives free. Every thing that you have been through, it was to make you who I wanted you to be. You will minister to those who have been raped, molested, sexually addicted, rejected, and bound by homosexuality.” As I sat in the service, I couldn’t take it. I began to see this happening, and I couldn’t maintain my composure. All I remember is me taking off running. Recently, God reminded me, “When you started running, you were running into what I’ve called you to do.”

The scripture that transformed my life is in Revelations 12:10-11, which reads, “And I heard a LOUD voice in heaven saying, NOW is come salvation and strength and the kingdom of our God and the power of His Christ. For the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused him before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the Word of their testimony and they loved not their own lives, even unto death.

The Apostle Paul put it this way, “Wherefore take unto you the WHOLE armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in that evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preperation of the gospel of peace. Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked (the accusations, temptations depression, loneliness, lust). And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel.”

You don’t have to spend another day being GAY and NOT HAPPY. God desires to heal you of your brokenness. He desires to set you free from the pain and the frustration. God loves you so much that He wants you to be happy. He wants you to be blessed. He wants you to be prosperous. He wants you to come to Him. He wants you to have this power. He wants you to live long. All you need to do is accept Him into your life. HE’S the MAN you’ve been looking for all along. C